


It's Hard and Nobody Understands

by appending_fic



Series: The Age of Mysteries (Ciphers) [8]
Category: Gravity Falls, Guardians of Childhood & Related Fandoms, Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: 5 Things, Angst, Depression, Discussion of Death, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Gideon Gleeful Is A Creep, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-07-29 19:57:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7697524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appending_fic/pseuds/appending_fic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jamie Bennett killed The Beast to save the Easter Bunny. No longer a child, he struggles with the burden of murder on his soul, seeking some means of navigating the depression that engulfs him. Dipper Pines knows his friend Jamie is suffering, but can't find a way to reach him. One misstep, and their misery will become something terrible...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Five Conversations People Had with Jamie Bennett

**Rose Bennett**

A light, tentative knock came at Rose’s door. Lacking Sophie’s enthusiasm, it was likely Jamie.

“Come in!” She set aside the book she’d been reading as the door opened. She took in the sight of her son. In the past few months, he’d started sprouting upward, still gangly and awkward as the rest of his body fought to catch up. His face was lengthening, bringing to mind some of the sharper angles of his father, though his face had for years kept the wild smile, the warmth in his brown eyes that helped differentiate them.

The past few weeks, though, had worn on Jamie, acting as a reminder that for all he’d seemed to keep his spirits up, he was a teenager (closing in on 16 now!), and such moods were not uncommon.

Still, it was a letdown, seeing that her son wasn’t quite as impervious as she’d hoped he was.

“What is it, sweetie?”

Jamie slipped further inside and closed the door behind him. His head was dropped, gaze on the floor, and eyes clouded.

“Jamie?” Rose crossed to her son and tugged him into a loose embrace. “What’s wrong?”

“Mom? When...am I not a kid anymore?”

Rose sighed. She supposed it was better than a lot of problems, but it was also so typical of Jamie to come out with philosophical dilemmas during puberty.

“That’s a hard question. Some people put it at a certain age - have a big ceremony.”

“Like with a Bar mitzvah? Dipper told me about his. Does that mean he’s not a kid anymore?”

“Again, it’s hard to say. It depends...what you mean about not being a kid. You could say that once you’ve finished going through puberty, you’re an adult. But some cultures have called people adults once they’ve proven they can contribute to the community.”

“What? Like kids whose dads take them out hunting?”

“No, Jamie. It’s one thing to hunt to support yourself, but killing...it makes you less of a person. But enough of all this depressing talk.” Rose pushed Jamie back to hold him at arms’ length. He didn’t look much happier, but expecting an instant turnaround was unrealistic. “I’ll tell you a secret. There’s no one moment where you become an adult. You’re growing up, and that’s something that happens bit by bit. Okay?”

“Yeah.” Jamie pulled away, eyes still on the ground. “Sure. I’m going out, okay?”

“Go ahead. Just be back by dinner.”

“Whatever.”

 

**Sophie Bennett**

“Hey! Get away from that!”

Jamie grabbed at his laptop, pulling it away from Sophie while shoving her off of his chair. “What are you even doing with my computer?”

Sophie tumbled for a moment before she righted herself, at which point she pushed herself up enough to glare at Jamie.

“Stop being a jerk!”

“What are you even doing with my computer?” Jamie snapped. “Mom said you had to _ask_ before you use it.”

Sophie scrambled up. “But you would’ve said no. You’ve been a jerk lately.”

And he had. He’d gotten moody and sad and didn’t want to do anything fun. Bunny had said Jack Frost hadn’t talked to Jamie in weeks. Mom had tried to explain, telling Sophie that teenagers sometimes got like that, but Sophie wasn’t going to let Jamie get away with being mean.

“What is this? Skype - does Mom know you’re talking to people on the Internet?”

“ _You_ talk to Dipper for hours and hours. I don’t see why I can’t, either.” 

Jamie’s face twisted into a scowl. “Because he’s _my_ friend! You could be telling him embarrassing things about me-”

“I’m not going to embarrass you in front of your boyfriend-”

“Shut up!”

Jamie was older and bigger than Sophie. But even though she’d been uncertain around strangers for a long time, she’d never been afraid of him.

Until now. Angry, arms tight around his computer, towering over her, Jamie was frightening.

“J - Jamie?”

Jamie abruptly stepped back, computer dropping from his loose fingers as his expression changed, eyes widening, watery, as his lip trembled. “I - I’m sorry-”

He bolted, then. Sophie heard his footsteps, heavy, thumping down the stairs, and then the slam of the front door.

She sat down, hard, and started to cry.

 

**Mabel Pines**

Mabel took a deep breath and hit the ‘Call’ button. The computer made a ringing sound once, twice, three times-

Jamie Bennett flashed onto the screen. His eyes looked bruised and tired, hair mussed, and eyes glazed.

“...Mabel?”

“Shesh, you look terrible!”

Jamie’s jaw tightened, and a scowl flashed across his face. “If you just called me to make fun of me, you can fuck off.”

Mabel flinched at the language, but forced herself to keep smiling.

“Oh, stop being such a grumpy gus. I’m just worried about you. When your brother starts freaking out because his friend is all moody, you worry and check up to see if he’s okay. Um. _Are_ you okay?”

Jamie stared at Mabel fixedly, eyes narrow, for a long few minutes. At long last, he fell back against what looked like the backboard of his bed.

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“... _No_.”

Mabel rocked back on her chair as she considered. “Do you want to talk about it with Dipper?”

“ _NO_!”

“Okay, calm down!” Mabel waved her hands at the screen. “I just...Dipper’s very open-minded. I don’t _actually_ know if he likes boys, but he likes you a lot, so even if he didn’t-”

“Why does everyone think I’m dating Dipper?”

“I’d know if you were _dating_ ,” Mabel replied. “I just thought-” She sighed and leaned forward, giving Jamie a gentle smile. “Sorry. I’ve just never seen anyone as happy to see Dipper as you are. And _he_ only talks to, like, three people, one of which is me, and another of which is...not going to happen. _And_ he hasn’t talked up any new crushes in, like, forever. Sorry.”

Jamie shrugged. “It’s okay. It wouldn’t make much of a difference anyway.”

“Aw, don’t talk like that. He’d be lucky to get someone like you.”

A faint smile flickered along Jamie’s lips, but it was gone just as quickly as he shook his head.

“It’s nice of you to say that, Mabel, but...no. What about you?”

“Flattered, Jamie, but no. When I saw Dipper was making a new friend, I vowed not to let my libido to mess that up. As a result, you are sitting in the same ‘Anybody Else in Existence’ box as, say, Bill Cipher, albeit for different reasons.”

“Bill - the triangle?”

Mabel shrugged. “For all we know, his corporeal form looks like Justin Bieber. Grenda did something along those lines in ‘Adventures of the Guardians’. Oops. Spoilers.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

Mabel sighed and peered at Jamie. “I know you’re not...okay. But. Are you going to hurt yourself?”

A long silence stretched out between them; Mabel fiddled with her phone, wondering if she’d have to call 911, and how she’d explain this to Dipper.

At last, Jamie shook his head. “No. Sorry. I hadn’t...thought about that. I wanted to make sure I didn’t before I said so.”

“Jamie-”

“Anyway, I gotta go.”

“Jamie, you need to talk to someone-”

The call ended, leaving Mabel staring at the computer screen.

 

**Pitch Black**

Jamie Bennett’s dreams were dull and grey. They had been for months, already, and it was frustrating. Pitch loved people with anxiety. Obsessive-compulsive, post-traumatic stress, phobias, and people awakening to awareness of the world’s unrelenting cruelty.

But depression? It didn’t leave an opening for him. If Pitch wanted to get inside the mind of a depressed person, he had to lurk and watch for when other, more painful aspects of life wound their way into the fog.

Tonight, Jamie Bennett was having nightmares.

Pitch decided to dispense with all the mind games, letting the boy believe they were in the boy’s own bedroom. He poked around the computer a little, waiting for the boy to acknowledge him.

“Pitch. What are you doing here?”

“This is my home, Jamie.” Pitch gestured at the computer, which writhed with shadows before morphing into a Macbook. “Mortal beings dwell in it for a time when they sleep, and I act a gracious host, showing them the possibilities of the realm of nightmares.”

“Really? I’d have thought the dream demon would be in charge.”

Pitch didn’t let his demeanor change, but he seethed at the mention. The Guardians were his playthings - if they knew about Cipher, they’d start thinking of him as small change. They’d think that Pitch was someone’s plaything.

And once they understood that, they’d _pity_ him.

“Children who wake up crying don’t dream of that two-bit hack. They dream of me. He’s just an echo of a world that used to exist - like the star and the rabbit. But enough about Cipher. What about you? Your heart is dark, Jamie. I wonder why.”

Jamie turned away from Pitch, but it didn’t matter. The power that had made him into Pitch Black had given him the ability to see a creature’s fear. It let him see Jamie’s weakness. It created a sort of black light that illuminated the darkness for him.

As long as Pitch wasn’t alone, he was never truly in the dark.

(That was a lie. He knew of one creature who had no fear, the creature that gave _Pitch_ nightmares.)

“They’re right, you know. It lessens you. Tarnishes you. There’s a series of books I read, somewhere, that said murder tears the soul into pieces. It’s an apt analogy.”

Jamie’s form stiffened, just a bit, but he didn’t respond.

“No protests? No speeches about the power of light and love? I see your friends aren’t here to protect you. I suppose you’ve realized you can’t qualify as ‘nice’ anymore.”

“No, I don’t.”

And Jamie turned, raising a blade he hadn’t had before, and lunged at Pitch.

_In his bed in Burgess, Jamie lurched awake, hyperventilating. He so wanted to dismiss the whole thing as a dream, Pitch messing with him._

_But he couldn’t discount the fury that had raged in him when he’d tried to kill Pitch Black._

_He’d killed once. And now...he knew he could do it again._

 

**Gideon Gleeful**

Gideon scrambled out of the tunnel that was the gateway to Pitch Black’s domain, brushing a few specks of dirt from his suit as he stood. He was a little surprised how amenable Pitch had been to his proposal. Knowing how Bill Cipher had tricked General Pitchiner and drowned his soul in fear and darkness, he would have thought the nightmare spirit would be less cooperative.

But it seemed Pitch had better sense than most people. Whatever he thought in the depths of his twisted soul, Pitch knew he was no match for Bill Cipher.

Nobody was. Maybe once...but the time when there were enough Constellations to match Bill’s power had passed.

Gideon checked the list he’d made for himself. Just one more visit, and then everything would be ready, as long as Bill was putting the right inspiration in the right heads.

A few moments away from the decrepit bed that marked Pitch’s home, Gideon paused. He thought he’d seen - ah!

A flash of blue proved to be a boy in a t-shirt, hurrying through the woods. Gideon might have let it go, if he hadn’t recognized the boy’s face. Jamie Bennett was...important, somehow. Even infinite knowledge couldn’t quite identify how, but his life was entwined with the Guardians’, and now the Pines’. So Gideon followed Jamie Bennett, finding no need for stealth, as the boy didn’t seem concerned about pursuit.

Gideon slowed and stopped when Jamie reached the edge of a clearing encircling a pond, one that froze solid with the first frost and thawed only with the coming of summer. Gideon stayed, watching Jamie as the other boy circled the pond and settled at the edge. And once he was certain Jamie wasn’t there to meet anyone, Gideon approached.

“It’s a lovely afternoon out here, isn’t it?”

Jamie jolted, twisting around with a sharp cry. “Who are you?”

Gideon shrugged. “Oh, names are tricky things. I’m not fond of letting mine slip; you never know what someone will do with it. But on my word as a gentleman, I don’t have any intention of harming you.”

Jamie’s eyes narrowed, but he didn’t make any movement suggesting he was planning mischief, so Gideon stepped closer. He didn’t sit, instead standing next to the other boy, staring out along the pond, which though liquid, was likely close to freezing.

“What...do you want?”

“I didn’t come out here looking for you, Jamie; you looked lonely sitting on your own. Now, if you want me out of your hair, I could do that. But you look like you could use someone to talk to.”

Jamie sighed. “I guess...maybe I do.”

“Murder does weigh heavy on a man’s spirit.” Gideon enjoyed the shocked look on Jamie’s face, but fought to keep the smile from showing. It was fun showing off his infinite knowledge, but he was going for empathetic here, which required a different attitude. “I’m not here to judge, Jamie. I mean, I can’t say I’ve indulged in the urge, but it’s hardly something I’m going to look down on you for.”

Jamie’s expression shifted, frown smoothing out, the tension of his body loosening, and eyes beginning to water. “You should. I’m - I mean…”

“What? You think it makes you a monster? Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. You’re the _good_ guy! You didn’t have a choice.” Jamie still looked like he wanted to cry, so Gideon patted his shoulder. “What do you think would have happened if you didn’t kill the Beast?”

“He would have killed Jack...and Bunny.” Jamie’s vice was shaky, but the tension was still leaving him, slowly.

“And you too, most likely, not to mention your sister. So in the end, you had to kill him. And frankly, few people deserve it more than the Beast did. And with all that - I think you did the right thing, and worrying about it’s just going to bring you down when you can ill afford it.”

Jamie sniffled a few times, but he didn’t seem ready to actively cry, and he was smiling when he looked up at Gideon. “Thanks. I was...worrying about all this, and I didn’t know who to talk to-”

“Oh, that? Don’t worry! Charity and compassion are my middle names. In fact-” Gideon flipped a business card out of his pocket, and handed it to Jamie. 

Jamie scanned it, a twitch along his lips suggesting he was trying not to frown. “This says you’re a psychic. Have you been reading my mind?”

“Heavens, no! That’s beyond rude - it’s bad _taste_! I just put that there because it’s a convenient way to explain my...expansive knowledge of how things work. No, don’t you worry. I’m staying out of your head unless you tell me otherwise. Now, I’m afraid I do have business elsewhere, but I hope I helped you feel a bit better.”

“You did.” Jamie nodded hurriedly, a half-smile gracing his face. “I mean, I’m not _happy_ about what happened-”

“And it’d be a shame if you were. Killing’s a terrible thing to have to do.”

“But I guess...I don’t feel so bad about it anymore.”

Gideon gave Jamie a wide, beaming grin, the sort he used to use on stage, back before...before. “Well! As long as I could help - well, I think I can leave you with a clear conscience. And don’t hesitate to give me a ring if you need a sympathetic ear.”

Gideon waited until he was long out of earshot before he allowed himself to begin whistling cheerfully. He might have been...cross with Bill Cipher for a bit after the dream demon had thrown him into the Gate of Truth, but he was beginning to feel a little better about the whole thing. Among other things, it _was_ funny messing with people when you knew exactly what to say to push them down the wrong path. And there was no path more wrong - if you were the heroic type, at least - than mistaking the choice to kill as something you had no control over.

Anyway, toying with people was better than indulging in all those aimless dreams he’d had when he was younger.

He knew what was going to happen, now, so there wasn’t a point to hoping otherwise.


	2. Five Conversations Dipper Pines Had About Jamie Bennett

**Pacifica Northwest**

Helping Pacifica sift through the ruins of her family’s pact with Bill Cipher had changed Dipper’s relationship with her. More than that, it had changed his opinion of her. 

She’d matured, certainly, in the wake of her parents’ deaths, but she’d also delved into the mysteries of her family’s accumulated artifacts. As Mabel had once noted, Dipper related better to people when he had mysteries to bond with them over, and so helping Pacifica catalogue that secret inheritance had given them a foundation for something more than mere amicability.

They weren’t talking mysteries today; Pacifica was still waiting to receive an old book they were pretty sure identified the source and purpose of a weird blue crystal pendant they’d found in the secret Northwest vault. Her picture on Skype showed she was lounging in what had been her father’s office desk.

“How’s school going?”

Pacifica rolled her eyes. “Like shit. No one knows how to deal with me. I mean, the teachers are all still treating me like I’m going to fall apart any minute, which is nice when I need a day or two to finish my math assignments. But everyone else does, too.” She sighed. “What about you? I know your high school is shit, but, I don’t know. You’ve got other friends, right? That kid who still believes in the Easter Bunny.”

“Pacifica, you _met_ the Easter Bunny.”

“Yeah, so I don’t need to sit around _believing_ in him.” She tossed her hair, but paused, giving Dipper a thoughtful look. “I’m not making fun of him.”

“It’s hard to tell, sometimes.”

“Yeah. So what’s up with him? Dragged you out on any other hair-raising adventures?”

“Nah, he’s been quiet since Halloween.” They let the silence hang between them for a moment; when Dipper had learned from Jamie about the soul-eating Beast, he’d shared with Pacifica his suspicions that Bill Cipher had sacrificed her parents’ souls to that monster.

“I think he’s a little freaked out or something.”

“And you’re just letting him wallow in it?”

“No,” Dipper snapped back, chest knotting up uncomfortably. “He isn’t taking my calls. I mean, of course he passes it off as time zone shit, but I know when I’m getting the brush-off.”

“I don’t suppose I could convince you he’s not worth your time?” Pacifica waved her hand dismissively before Dipper could respond. “I _know_ , bull-headed loyalty’s a family _thing_ for you. Well, unless you think he’ll respond to bribery, I don’t have any ideas.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” Dipper sighed.

 

**Stanley Pines**

Dipper called the Mystery Shack late; Grunkle Stan was always less grumpy if Dipper wasn’t cutting into business hours. Grunkle Stan answered after the first ring.

“Hello?”

“Grunkle Stan!”

“What? Dipper?” Dipper heard a quiet creak that meant Grunkle Stan was in his easy chair and reclining for comfort. “Did you call to give comfort to your ailing uncle?”

“Ailing? What happened?”

“Ah, nothing big. Cosmetic surgery, if you must know. But I’ve got a big, honking bandage on my head and Ford says I can’t get out of my chair for a week. So it’s bad daytime television for me!”

Dipper almost asked about Grunkle Stan’s surgery, but snapped his mouth shut before he could. He was almost certain to regret learning the answer.

“Anyway, I was just calling to talk.”

“Talk, eh? Girl trouble?”

“No.”

“ _Boy_ trouble? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve given advice I’m wildly unqualified to offer.”

“No. Or...sort of?”

“Ha! Ford owes me five bucks.”

“Not like _that_ ,” Dipper sighed. “Just needed someone to talk to.”

“What about Mabel? Pacifica? That kid who lives out east?”

“Mabel’s out. Pacifica’s got her own stuff right now. And Jamie isn’t talking to me.”

“Oh. Jeez, kid, I’d recommend you try to fix that ASAP; take it from me, letting that sort of falling-out fester is just asking to spend thirty years trying to fix an interdimensional portal to rescue someone from a fate worse than death.”

Dipper, seated on his bed, slid down to a horizontal position. “It’s not a...falling-out. I think he’s dealing with some bad shit. I think he needs _help_.”

“Eck. Kiddo, that’s big shit. I don’t really have a lot of experience with that-”

“You were perfectly willing to give me advice when you thought I was gay!”

“Ah, come on - making terrible mistakes is part and parcel of teenage romance. This is...well, I don’t want anyone getting hurt. At least no one I know. Kid, look. Stuff with mental health, that sort of shit - I’m probably the last person who should be giving advice about it. You gotta get some serious help for him.”

Dipper sighed. “Is being an adult always this depressing?”

“Yeah, seems like a lousy trade-off some days, especially when you’re too young to buy whiskey.”

“I guess...I’ll get going, leave you to your television.”

“Yeah, go ahead, kiddo. Try to keep your chin up; there hasn’t been a Pines in history who ever gave up.”

 

**Sophie Bennett**

When Skype informed Dipper he was receiving a call from Jamie, he scrambled to answer, earning a curious look from Mabel he had no time to explain.

“Hey!” He paused as the word escaped his mouth, seeing instead of Jamie a blond, bright-eyed kid he’d seen in the background of Jamie’s room on occasion.

“Sophie?”

The girl’s hesitant smile widened a fraction. “Hi, Dipper.”

“Does Jamie know you’re on his computer?”

The smile slipped as she shook her head. “No. But I didn’t know how to reach you and Jamie’s being all grumpy and sad and I-” She sniffled, not yet crying, but on the edge of it.

Dipper waved away Mabel who was giving him several wide, emphatic gestures he couldn’t quite decipher. “I guess that’s all right, then. If it’s an emergency.”

“Really?” At Dipper’s nod, Sophie leaned back, tension easing from her form. “Good, because I don’t know _what_ else to do; Jamie’s been all...blah lately.”

“Well, he _is_ 15,” Dipper replied, and Sophie scowled.

“That’s what Mom said, but he’s blowing _her_ off, too. He won’t talk to Jack - I already tried that.”

“He’s not talking to me, either.” Dipper was certain he sounded a little bitter, even if it was clear Jamie was shutting out everybody, and not just him.

“Yeah, but you’re _Dipper_. You do all sorts of impossible things all the time!”

“Yeah, maybe…” Dipper’s cheeks were heated, and likely bright red, the absolute faith in Sophie’s declaration making it clear at least one Bennett was more certain of Dipper than he was. “But that’s supernatural stuff, not like, feelings.”

“I don’t know, you talked Wendy out of beating up that boy who wouldn’t leave her alone last year.”

Dipper glared at Mabel and got up to shove her out the door. “If you’re going to offer unsolicited advice, you can get _out_.” When he returned to the computer, Sophie looked a little more muted. Dipper’s stomach twisted guiltily. “Look, I don’t know what to say. This is bigger than evil nightmare men trying to get rid of autumn or cannibalistic trees. And whatever Mabel says, I’m not an expert at anyone’s emotions.”

“But he looks up to you. If you could just find a way to get in touch with him-”

“Hey! Get away from that!”

 

**Mabel Pines**

Mabel kicked her legs against the park bench they’d finally sat down at. “Well, that sucked.”

Dipper shrugged; he wasn’t certain what to say. Hearing about half of the argument that ensued from Jamie finding Sophie on his computer hadn’t been fun. But more than that, it had exposed some of the effects of whatever depression had seized him, something raw and painful that Jamie was struggling to keep hidden.

“Do you think it’s just teenage emotional crap?” he ventured, at last.

Mabel sighed and leaned back against the bench, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Honestly? I don’t think it matters. I mean, what _if_ it’s some supernatural thing? Someone’s still going to need to snap him out of it, and more importantly, Jamie’s gonna need support to deal with the fallout when it’s over. But...I don’t think he’s under a spell or hypnotized or whatnot.”

Dipper let out a huff of breath, resisting the urge to groan. Jamie was his friend, of course, and he wanted to help. But in the long run, dealing with supernatural problems was a lot easier than real world ones. Magic lacked a sort of...existential inertia. Getting rid of the cause tended to get rid of the effects. Real world problems, on the other hand, stuck around as long as they felt like it.

“Grunkle Stan said being an adult sucked; it’s just going to get worse from here on, though, isn’t it?”

“Probably.” Mabel tilted sideways, head resting on Dipper’s shoulder. “I could try talking to him, if you wanted. Aim the old Mabel Pines charm in his direction.”

Dipper pushed Mabel back a little to an upright position. “I guess. As long as you’re not just trying to flirt with him.”

“Urgh, no.” Mabel scowled. “Given my luck, we’d end up worse than where we’d started from. And besides, your friends are off-limits.”

“What, really?”

“Of course, really.” Mabel shoved Dipper back a little, grinning at him. “Sibs before - wait, no. I had something for this. It was really catchy and everything.” She sighed, shaking her head. “Anyway, yeah. Seemed like a bad idea to perve on your friends.”

Dipper wrapped an arm loosely around Mabel’s shoulders. “Thanks, sis.”

“Aw, don’t worry about it, buddy. What else are twins for?”

 

**Mother Goose**

Jamie had admitted he found it a little difficult getting into Katherine’s library. Dipper suspected it was because Jamie had spent less time around the infuriating sort of mystery Gravity Falls generated, and as a result, couldn’t easily reach the place of indignant frustration that was necessary to reach Mother Goose, the woman who gave answers to those who needed them.

At the same time, the nature of the library put Dipper on edge. His interactions with Bill Cipher made him nervous about anything like mind reading. Beyond that, the conspicuous lack of information about the dream demon in the library left him with some very worrying notions.

But she was the most straightforward supernatural entity Dipper had ever met, and so the one most likely to offer useful advice.

She was wandering the stacks when Dipper found her, pausing at the sight of him to offer a gentle smile.

“Dipper. What an unexpected surprise.” She never sounded surprised, so Dipper wasn’t certain if she knew more than she let on or not.

“Well, you know me. Always unpredictable.”

“Yes, I do.” The smile went a little sharper, Katherine’s grey eyes narrowing. It was something of his grandmother’s eyes when she knew he’d misbehaved, and even though he hadn’t done anything wrong, it left him a little uneasy. “But you didn’t come out here just to visit an ailing old librarian, did you?”

It was one of Katherine’s little affectations, Dipper had realized. She took one mannerisms that made her seem grandmotherly - if not her guests’ own grandmothers, than someone whom they would see that way. So though she had the strength and dexterity of a twenty-year-old soldier, she’d play at being a hunched old grandmother.

“What do you mean, you know?”

“I mean there are stories about you, Dipper. Little whispers, at one point, but your sister’s Youtube channel did a lot for your profile. And, as it turns out, it’s something of a family trait.”

“You mean Uncle Ford?”

Katherine chuckled. “Among others. Jamie helped me dig through your family history in here. You’ve got a couple of witch-hunters in your past, an exorcist or two, and a great-great-great-something grandmother who saved a kingdom from a dragon.”

“She killed a dragon?”

“Ah, no. Talked it into submission. Very genial woman, your great-grandmother Ruth.”

“Huh.” It was strange, imagining someone reading about Dipper’s life, about his ancestors’. It was even weirder to imagine a friend doing so. “When did he do that?”

“Oh, ages ago,” Katherine said dismissively. “He was quite impressed. Still is, I would wager.”

Dipper bit his lip, rolling that thought around his head. He’d always been a little aware that Jamie had a sort of - hero worship toward him. But he’d always tried not to acknowledge that the other boy saw him as some sort of hero, or expert, or whatever.

Jamie, though, had spent time tracking down evidence of Dipper’s exploits, things that certainly involved less-than-flattering details, making Jamie’s hero-worship seem more like...respect.

And here Dipper didn’t know much more than an overview of what Jamie had gotten up to.

“You know, I’ve never been able to get more than the, uh, highlights of what Jamie’s ever gotten up to. I mean, I know he trailed along after the other Guardians when they fought Pitch that one time, but…”

Katherine smiled, something glinting in her eyes as she reached out and tugged a book from a bookshelf. Dipper wasn’t certain, but thought it might be approval.

“That’s not even the half of it. Let me tell you the story of the Last Believer…”


	3. Chapter 3

Jamie slouched into his room. The last few weeks had been...better, he supposed. Now that he knew how to deal with his feelings about the Beast, things seemed a little less oppressive. Just not...good. He wasn’t a kid anymore, death having stripped that innocence from him. And with that, he couldn’t expect the protection of the Guardians, much less the friendships he’d cultivated over the years.

One evening, he’d torn down the pictures from his wall and thrown them away, along with his notebooks. He hadn’t found anything appropriately adult enough to replace them with, yet.

When he walked into his room, however, the walls were plastered with drawings from when Sophie was barely a toddler, and Dipper Pines was sitting at his desk.

Dipper raised a hand. “Hey.”

Jamie held back a yelp, but only just. “Dipper, how did you _get_ here?”

Dipper chuckled, rocking Jamie’s chair a little and using the momentum to rise to his feet. “My great-uncle has a teleporter. You do the math. Anyway, how are you?”

Jamie scanned the room discreetly. He doubted Sophie, who’d been walking on eggshells around him, would have redecorated his room. And that meant Dipper had seen the empty walls, and was choosing not to force the issue.

“...Fine.”

“Hm. What’ve you been up to?”

Jamie shrugged. “Hanging out.”

“Hm.” Dipper’s lips thinned out, but he didn’t comment, making it certain he knew Jamie hadn’t been hanging out with his sister, the Guardians, _or_ his friends.

“What about you?”

“Visiting with Katherine. She told me all sorts of interesting things about you.”

And Jamie’s breath hitched. He wondered if he should run, yell, hit Dipper-

“Said you’d been looking up my family in your spare time. I thought it was fair for me to do the same. Why didn’t you tell me you were a big-time hero?”

Jamie’s chest felt knotted and tight, and he couldn’t breath. Dipper was smiling, casually, because he didn’t know the next part, how Jamie the hero had gone on and killed someone - and sure, it was probably okay because the Beast deserved it, but he couldn’t get his mother’s voice out of his head-

“Have you ever killed anyone?” For all that the thought of talking about this with anyone had made Jamie’s throat close up, the words spilled out easily. And then the words were out there, something Jamie couldn’t take back.

Dipper didn’t seem shocked, instead stroking his chin thoughtfully. “It depends what you’d call ‘somebody’, but I’d say yes.”

“You have?” Dipper nodded, and Jamie felt something, a combination of warmth fighting the knot in his stomach. “But only because you had to, right?”

Dipper scoffed. “No. Because I chose to.”

“What?” The tightness in Jamie’s chest gave way to a sudden panic, his heart pounding and world swaying around him. He’d thought Dipper was like him, not wanting to hurt people. But to _choose_ to kill people-

“Jamie, you okay?” Dipper took a step toward Jamie, and Jamie panicked.

“Get away from me!” Jamie stumbled back, nearly tripping over a spare book. His heart was still racing, and his breath came shallow as Dipper drew closer.

“Hey, Jamie, calm down. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“Because you - _decided_ not to!”

Dipper paused, took a deep breath. He stepped back and sat, cautiously, out of arms’ reach. He let the silence stretch out for a few minutes before he met Jamie’s gaze.

“Jamie, what’s going on?”

Jamie’s breath was still ragged, but given a few minutes to sit without Dipper making a move, his heartbeat was at a close to normal rate. He figured now that he’d freaked out, he couldn’t sink _lower_ in Dipper’s esteem.

“I...Katherine told you, didn’t she? In order to save Bunny and Jack and - and Sophie, I had to kill the Beast. But it’s - it’s different from what you did. I _had_ to! He was going to steal their souls and eat them or...something.”

“Yeah.” Dipper leaned back on his arms, stretching out his legs. “It isn’t different. Everyone I’ve killed was trying to hurt me or someone I loved. But if I say I didn’t have any choice…” He sighed, and sat back up. He took a breath and scooted a little closer to Jamie. Jamie didn’t edge away, but he couldn’t bring himself to reach out. “It’s like I’m trying to avoid responsibility. Jamie, I made a choice. I looked at the situation and decided...that killing was the best solution. Because there are times I didn’t.”

Jamie shook his head. “But if they’re trying to hurt your family-”

“Then you decided they need to die to keep your family safe.” Dipper shifted closer, and when he put his hand on Jamie’s shoulder, Jamie didn’t flinch away. “One time...I got caught up with these guys who were teaching me how to be a man. And they told me to kill someone. I decided not to. If circumstances were different, I might have made a different decision. But you see...whichever way it went, it was _my choice_. Yeah, sometimes we make these decisions in the heat of the moment. But we have to own it. I mean, I probably would have made the same decision you did.”

Jamie let that hang in the air, uncertain how to respond. A part of him wanted to feel happy that Dipper...not approved of, but thought his decision was the right one. But the rest…

“I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Yeah,” Dipper agreed. “I mean, I had a bar mitzvah and all, but this whole...thing made me feel more like an adult than anything else.”

Jamie took a shuddering breath, chest still tight with anxiety. “But I mean - the Guardians, they’re my friends, but now-”

“Do you think they aren’t? They’re worried about you, even if you’re not a kid. I think they might feel guilty that you had to go through this on their watch. I mean, everything else aside, you’re growing up.” Dipper gave Jamie a lopsided smile. “Sorry. That might have come out wrong.”

“Nah, that’s alright.” Feeling exhausted, Jamie leaned sideways until he found himself resting on Dipper’s shoulder. “I...feel a little better now. I mean, this stuff is…”

“Growing up sucks,” Dipper muttered.

“Yeah, that.” Jamie sighed. “Why can’t I just have normal problems, like heartbreak?”

“Been there, done that, done with the whole mess,” Dipper said, waving his hand vaguely. “Trust me - romance isn’t worth the trouble.”

Jamie smiled, even though his stomach gave an uncomfortable twist. “I guess I’ll trust you on that.”

“Now come on, let’s see if you can talk your mom into an impromptu sleepover.”

“Wha - sleepover?”

“Twelve generations of Pines’ would turn over in their graves if I passed up an opportunity to have a sleepover. We can braid our hair, talk about boys-”

Dipper paused, flushing. “Okay, full disclosure. I may have been to more of Mabel’s sleepovers than my own.”

“Well, then it looks like it’s up to me to teach you something. Hey, mom!”

And as Jamie scrambled downstairs, he couldn’t help smiling. Because everything might feel like it was too big and frightening, but for the moment, he had someone who understood him, and that made everything a little better.


	4. Chapter 4

The bell near Liam’s door began to ring. He let it do so for a second _quartz vibrating at 32,768 times a second can be used to measure the passage of time_ before he set aside his notebook. The musings within were no more urgent than the thoughts banging about in his head, and could wait until after dinner.

“I’m coming,” he muttered, and the bell stopped. He rose and slipped from the room, but not before locking away _A cam lock is a type of latch consisting of a base and a cam_ his notebook.

Downstairs, dinner was as to be expected, Liam’s sister and mother and a few miscellaneous cousins. His father was in the Dreamatorium, probably, lost in his thoughts _daydreaming, much like nighttime dreaming, is a time when the brain consolidates learning_. The thought of it made his blood boil, heat rising up his neck. With the power at the Tsar Illuminov’s disposal, that he spent his days dreaming rather than indulging in it infuriated Liam.

Eons had passed this way, so being a worthless layabout was practically family tradition. It was such that he spent the entire meal poking idly at his food without condemnation, although not without comment. The topic of Liam’s masterpiece _a piece of work produced by an apprentice or journeyman aspiring to become a master craftsman_ was the talk of the family. Other Illuminovs were close to of age, but the Tsar’s firstborn son was something special. And given that he was keeping to himself, speculation ran high. He had long ago distinguished himself, and few expected anything less than something marvellous, the most terrific production ever drawn from the dreams of House Illuminov.

Liam didn’t have time for worrying about their concern; his research took up far too much of his attention. Even having bargained for the knowledge of House Koraadami, he had run into a block, as even they knew embarrassingly little about the Light of Creation and the Constellations.

Luckily, he had found an absolute font of information about the nature of the universe. Infinite knowledge seemed about all he needed to bring his dreams to life...


End file.
